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Monday, July 23rd, 2007
11:55 pm - waiting for the phone..
How did you spend summers when you were a kid?

i'm still a kid I think.
I spend the summer in freedom and sunshine.
i'm scared that it's ending.
i'm a senior now, aren't I?
after senior year I won't have any more summers as a kid.
everything gets upgraded to adulthood.
switched up to serious.
and every childhood dream becomes a goal.
and every day i enjoy wasting
becomes another day wasted.

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Tuesday, May 1st, 2007
9:30 pm - she lies. and I steal.
i usually write because I'm too full to keep it all in anymore.
if someone reads this, they'll know what I mean.
I'm not full. I'm angry.
There's something to be said about knowing too much.
I know too much. And I made myself know too much.
and everything pieced itself together.
my mom's old wedding band.
being so far. and working so much harder.
and every other clue I've ignored.

this person doesn't love me.
people who love you don't burn you up. they don't hurt you on purpose.
they don't hurt the ones you love on purpose.

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Wednesday, April 11th, 2007
5:26 pm - I didn't know her.
Maybe death doesn't affect me in the same way that it affects others.
The last person I knew who died was my uncle; and I just remember the hot ride to Idaho for the funeral, my moms cheap tissues, and everyone's crying. My aunt crying. She looked so small. I hated it. I just spread out throughout my moms side of the family. There we were in uncomfortable clothes and crying and hugging. The ride home was quiet and I slept a lot. I guess that's my first real funeral that I can remember.
  I'm writing this because of the occurance of an event that has spread through my school that just swallowed everyone up with the reality of it; the tragic death of Kara Hopkins. She was 15. She went to my school. I didn't know her.
  Did anyone have to know her to have this just hit them? News spreads quickly in high school. Especially big news. Especially news like this.
  i'm positive that every kid in Murray got hit by the news of this. Didja hear? yes, it's bad. it's awful. it always happens somewhere else, now it's here. we hear about bad things and now one has happened here.
  What can I say? What can I say to sum this up? What can I say? nothing will reach the boy who did this. He didn't just steal someone's life because he was high and stupid.  he robbed a whole school, he robbed a family, he robbed a community.He has no idea. He has no idea.

"There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft... When you kill a man, you steal a life. You steal his wife's right to a husband, rob his children of a father. When you lie you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness. Do you see?"
-The Kite Runner , Khaled Hosseini (2003).

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Thursday, December 28th, 2006
1:29 pm - in the night.
no one makes me cry quite like him. I've never cried so hard in my life, maybe i have but I don't remember.
 my whole life I've held my breath to keep from crying, and when i cry because of him, it's a whole other ballpark.
he thinks it's this horrible thing when I cry too, and hates it- hates feeling like he caused it.
but i like that i can cry with him. not even crying, just full blown out sobbing. and he curls up behind me, helpless, and holds me and kisses my hair and holds until the rain inside me lets up. and we're okay again.

i woke up this morning and he was still in my mind, i could still taste him in my mouth, feel him on my skin.
but it wasn't raining anymore, it was snowing.


current mood: apathetic

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Tuesday, December 26th, 2006
12:28 am - haven't you heard the song?
 it  probably wears on your face. i feel like i should know. i've been sad. i've been there.
but i've also been happy.  that probably shapes your face as well.
i thought about this in my car, on the way home from Connors.
it's Christmas.
i was thinking on my drive home, and x96 did an x set of coldplay and yellow came on.
safe in my car, my mind was a blur of warmth and happiness.
 i realized i was smiling. and i wonder how i looked.
i don't think i've ever seen myself smile, not really smile. picture smiles and school photo's are all so fake.
i wonder if i looked pretty. i don't feel pretty, not usually.
i just think that sadness wears on your face, it causes grooves and lines and notches in your most sensitive skin.
maybe happiness repairs it after a while, and smoothes everything out that the sad left.


current mood: tired

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Friday, December 22nd, 2006
7:42 am - so....
i didn't make lit. mag. staff.



....yeah.

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Monday, December 11th, 2006
3:07 am - Connor loves me. ♥

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Wednesday, December 6th, 2006
3:27 am
there's more to life then perfection- and if you look for it there's more life.
lately it's been this blur of everything I have to do. and more and more i find myself in bed- and it's where I feel happiest.
i'm so goddamn tired. i sleep and i sleep and i'm just tired.
i'm just tired.
I don't even feel natural writing anymore.
which explains why i haven't been on here for quite some time.
everything on here used to post some scream or rant or jubilant cry. i feel like i used to be animated.
and now. now i feel sad. and still.
everything i've been doing is "for my future" which i've tried to commit to. after career day i wanted to be a lawyer.
or rather i decided that i should aim for that. because everything the attorney said appealed to me.
kevin says that being with someone will make you happy. but that's not true for me.
because when i've been most sad i was with someone who loved me. and who i loved.
i want him to love me and be able to tell me things.
but now i'm too tired for this kind of fake writing.
it's eight twenty six.
i can't write anymore.
I'm going to bed.


current mood: tired

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Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
12:58 am - Smoke ♥

    I've always had this lack of words. Well, not always, but sometimes.
    It's not like I just don't talk, because I do- but, it's this trail of smoke my words tend to leave. So when I've left, my words will still be hanging in the air, sometimes heavy, sometimes faint, but always there.
    Until I met him.
    He made up for all the pointless talking I did with the looks he gave me. His quiet intrigued me, his stares drew me in, and slowly I found him in my inner circle. He was at parties I was at, at movie nights at friends houses, and one day I found both of us laying on the lawn in a park, holding hands. This time he did all the talking.
    It's funny how during a moment you should remember, you get distracted by little things, and you end up remembering the little things, and not the big picture. I realized while I was on the grass that night that I'd never really heard his voice before. He'd probably heard every aspect of mine, every intimacy of it through my constant chatter, but I'd never heard how deep his was, or how articulate his words were. His words melted and disintegrated in air, while mine were like heavy smoke. Although mine had impact, his had meaning.
    The gist of what he said that night was that he wanted us to be together. He hadn't stopped thinking about me since the first time we hung out.  He wanted to be with me, learn what I had to say that didn't leave smoke, he wanted to make memories, be the one that I held hands with all the time, not just this one time on the cold grass. He admitted his shyness, how he was afraid to talk, especially around me. He didn't sound afraid then, he look at the grass he'd pulled up in his hands like he couldn't believe he was saying this at all. I couldn't believe it either. I could hardly hold onto a feeling long enough to recognize it. He didn't tell anyone his feelings- especially his ones about me.  It all came in this rush of words that melted in my hands and I couldn't hold on to, this was all too fast. I told him no.
    But just because his words disintegrated didn't mean that he did. He was still around. Mostly around me. He saw me at lunch, he looked at me across classrooms and he didn't let me forget him. His words that had slipped away had ended up echoing in my mind. But I couldn't catch them, I could only understand their meaning. He watched me at lunch. I'd grown accustomed to reading during lunch, and he'd sit and eat and watch me, intent with what I was doing. It actually made me nervous, and dumbstruck.  For once in my life I didn't have something to say to him. He'd always notice something small that some of the other boys that I'd been with hadn't. Like the freckles on my nose, or the color of my mascara. The first time he called me my heart was racing for twenty minutes after; I tried not to let on that his appearance in my life was effecting me, but it was.
    Suddenly I didn't talk as much. My scorching trail of words was becoming more and more faint. He asked me questions, and generally had a ripple effect on my life. His one question was more of a plead; please be with me. I repeatedly said no. He told me to think on it, and not just answer. I still repeated the same answer over and over. No. No. I can't. I'm cautious, I'm afraid, and I don't take chances with boys. He still asked, he still reached for my hand, still tried to kiss my cheek, still walked me to class.
    On the Friday of the week when we lay on the lawn something changed in me. He sat across from me quietly at lunch, no questions that day. Just looked at me, and watched me read my book. But when we stood up he held my hand and asked me again, to please be with him. He wanted to make me happy. I was irritated that he thought he could do that, and quite honestly I didn't think we would work out. So I said alright, but I'm not promising you anything. He hugged me so hard that I can still feel it.
    When I went home that day I told my mother that I was going out with him. This whole week of smoke and staring had been an oblivious account for her- I didn't open up to her about my last boy, but this one I did. I told her about the week and she looked at me like I was a different person. I suddenly was a different daughter who actually told her things I needed to know.
    I used to think that I'd changed right before I told him yes- but it's different then that. I'd actually changed when I told him yes. As soon as I said that yes, I would be with him, my words turned from smoke, to candle wax. And as they melted in the air they found their meaning.

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Friday, October 6th, 2006
2:33 am
  1- Charge                                        
Dihydrogen Phosphate        H2PO4 -                                           
Acetate             C2H3O2 -
Hydrogen Sulfite   HSO3-
Hydrogen sulfate    HSO4-
Hydrogen Carbonate   HCO3-
Nitrite    NO2-
Nitrate   NO3-
Cyanide  CN-
Hydroxide  OH-
Permanganate    MnO4-
Hypochlorite CIO-
Chlorite   CIO2-
Chlorate CIO3-
Perchlorate  CIO4-
  2- Charge
Hydrogen Phosphate  HPO42-
Oxalate   C2O42-
Sulfite SO32-
Sulfate SO42-
Carbonate CO32-
Chromate CrO42-
Dichromate Cr2O72-
Silicate   SiO32-

3- charge
Phosphite   PO33-
Phosphate  PO43-

1+ charge
Ammonium  NH4+
                                      

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Wednesday, October 4th, 2006
3:43 pm - if you were waiting for the opportune moment...
i've been waiting for right now a long time.
I mean, i'm not really good at anything.
i've always been "alright" but it's never been bumped up to good.
i have this way of expressing myself.
i mean, i can't write.
it just comes down to that I can't write.
sure i'll print the letters. and words.
but that's all they end up as.
as letters and words.
you could say "describe your first kiss" and i couldn't .
not even to me.
i couldn't make you want to be in my shoes.
it's just.
i don't even want to be in my own shoes.
i take them off as soon as I get home.

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3:37 pm
My LiveJournal Trick-or-Treat Haul
that_emo_girl28 goes trick-or-treating, dressed up as a fox.
beautifulvampyr gives you 5 light blue strawberry-flavoured wafers.
bhansen00101 gives you 19 light orange apple-flavoured gummy bats.
c_and_k6 gives you 2 light orange passionfruit-flavoured pieces of bubblegum.
hollow_orchid gives you 18 teal strawberry-flavoured pieces of taffy.
infernobushishi tricks you! You get a used tissue.
kickthehobbit tricks you! You lose 42 pieces of candy!
ourfierywishes gives you 8 light blue apple-flavoured gummy worms.
sockmonkey_c tricks you! You lose 3 pieces of candy!
southernbell268 gives you 4 brown apple-flavoured pieces of chewing gum.
the_godzilla tricks you! You get a dead frog.
that_emo_girl28 ends up with 11 pieces of candy, a used tissue, and a dead frog.
Go trick-or-treating! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.

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3:32 pm - it's raining. ♥

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Sunday, October 1st, 2006
2:02 pm
i could cry to this music.
we're riding in the backseat of my family's car. and you've leaned back
into the soft material of the seats
and with your eyes closed you reach for my hand.
and in the middle seat  they hold each other.
i could watch you forever like this.
light from signs and street lamps passes over your face
as the car takes us closer and closer to your house.
the clock reads 11:39. it's late.
it's not 11:11. but i wouldn't make a wish.
you sleep like i'm not even there.
or maybe, you're sleeping like this
because I am.

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Saturday, September 30th, 2006
2:11 pm - Should I post this in my application as well?

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Friday, September 29th, 2006
11:26 pm - prompt- "if you were waiting for the opportune moment."

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Monday, September 25th, 2006
4:33 pm - Stay together for the kids. ♥


current mood: I get to see Connor tonight!

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Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
11:49 pm - best friends ♥
i get this dull ache in my throat when i think about you.
like i've been screaming for a long time, and i'm hoarse from the struggle.
and i'm back in my car in his driveway and he's holding my hands really tight
we've leaned the seats back, and i'm trying not to breathe too hard.
because it fogs up the windows.
and i can't even say your name.
he says things like me, being better off.
my eyes start to water in that way where it's like i have something in both of them
at the same time
by coincidence
and he leans forward and catches me and kisses my eyes.
and i don't pretend i'm not crying anymore.
i'm not crying. but if i did.
i wouldn't pretend i wasn't.
you said you'd be here.
and i'm not going to say that i'm not going to think about you.
because i'm going to wonder at everything we ever laughed at.
and everything that  we made fun of.
and everytime that you said we'd always be friends.
i'm not going to say that this doesn't bother me
or that i hate you
because i don't.
and i'm not like you.
in that one way.
i'm not like you.




current mood: sore

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Thursday, September 21st, 2006
4:11 pm - comment on this. now.
should i try out to be on the MHS literary staff this year?

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Monday, September 18th, 2006
6:58 pm - :( ♥
i hate how she treats me.
because everytime she treats me badly.
(even after i appologized)
all that happens
is that every word i said to her
becomes more and more true.

current mood: sad

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